``its not [you], its me ;; alexei

[RENARD ARISTIDE CHEVALIER]

Is it possible to feel so many different ways about the same thing? One question that had long since plagued Renard. Well, approximately three days, to be exact. One that had followed him around like a lost puppy, nipping at his heels. He couldn't concentrate on anything - not even the brief rides on the academy's horses had helped. He hadn't managed to show himself up in front of the ladies, or their butlers, but he had been notably stricter, and he didn't like it. Renard had steered clear of any other sport, his heart wasn't in it right now. Aforementioned heart was too preoccupied tying itself into a complicated knot in his chest. Too busy trying to drag him back to the past, trying to remind him. Of his mistakes, as opposed to much else. Perhaps that had been his reason for wanting to escape.

Perhaps the lake in the nearby park had not been the best idea, but he was already here. The Salesina was as picturesque as it got, but it wasn't something Renard as paying huge attention to. Of course, he knew when to appreciate fine art - or fine landscaping as this was - but he simply wasn't in the mood. His mind was elsewhere. Elsewhere as in thinking about Alexei. Even the view from this particular bench culdn't save him from letting himself drift back to thoughts of the red-haired butler. One who had been so friendly and open to him, despite the difference in age and level. One who had admired him for his skills with a horse. One who he had been avoiding for seventy two hours now. He shifted uncomfortably on the wooden bench, fiddling with his black and green striped tie - one of his favourites.

Perhaps apologising had been a bad idea face-to-face. It wasn't that he disliked Alexei - quite the contrary, he had counted the man among his friends from the moment the rdhead had started equitation lessons with him. He sighed, a light breeze lifting strands of his - still immaculately brushed - blonde hair that framed his face like the border on a picture. He had needed time to think, time away from the academy. That time had been hard to come by, until now. It was the weekend and he was free to wander more than usual. His feet had lead him to the park, where he had been sat for several hours now, trying to read his book and all the way trying not to think of the damage he had done to Alexei. If I'd rejected him in the first place... What was I thinking? A question he could no long answer, he realised.

template: by me!
lyrics: one republic
muse: bon karma - HnNKn
notes: prepare for.... derejection? xD

[ALEXEI FERNAND ADRIANO]

I W A N T YOUR LOVE, I DON'T WANNA BE F R I E N D S.
caught in a B A D R O M A N C E !!

Alexei hadn't exactly been avoiding Renard, he just wasn't going out of his way to see him. Which, he guessed, was better than outright avoiding the younger man. It had been three days, and he'd pretty much built up a wall. He didn't have to see the other butler, which was a plus, because then those walls might come crashing down. He didn't want that. After that evening in the classroom, he decided he'd have to be much more careful around people in general. Force himself to be asexual, or at least hide every feeling he had from the entire world. Sure, he'd slipped up with Renee, but he wouldn't make the same mistake twice. His resolve was that he was here to serve Claudia, as her butler only, and that was it. period, end of story.

The red-haired butler came to the lake today mostly to relax. Claudia had told him to let her be, and he was one obedient butler. He was level F after all, and he was proving that it wasn't just a title very splendidly. He began walking the perimeter of the lake. It would not only kill time, but give Alexei time to rid his mind and memory of Renard altogether, which was his main goal for today. It hurt, because he wasn't sure when the next time he'd be able to casually drop by the stables for a lesson would be. Though he was numb to his feeling at this point, every time even an innocent thought of the man crossed his mind, it ached. It wasn't as if he needed to be with Renee, he could most likely live without ever seeing his face or hearing his name again. The largest part of the hurt was from the mere act of rejection itself. So he hadn't lost his would-be-lover the same way he had before, it was something as simple as: "I'm not good enough."

Something caught his attention for a moment. About ten yards ahead there was a blonde, dressed in clothes meant for a schoolboy, reading a book. Alexei froze. There was no way. Why here of all places?! He swallowed, flinching when he thought Renard caught sight of him. Who couldn't with his obnoxious-yet natural- hair colour? Then he spun on his heel and started walking-very fast- back the way he came. Claudia would just have to tolerate his presence; he had to maintain his distance, his walls. There was no way he was confronting him now. No way in hell.

[RENARD ARISTIDE CHEVALIER]

He wasn't absorbing it. There was no way of it. Renard snapped the book shut, not before slipping the rose bookmark inside carefully, so as not to damage the fragile item. Right now, some originally decent historical novel had turned itself into a sappy romance in a Romeo And Julietesque setting wasn't captivating him. His attention kept wandering elsewhere - to more important things. If I leave it for a while, give time for both of us to cool down and get ourselves sorted out, then maybe, just maybe, he blinked slowly, resignedly, maybe we can turn this around. Get off to a fresh start. Get back to being friends again, and pupil and instructor. Right? He would have a hard time convincing himself of that, it seemed. Go riding perhaps, around the academy maybe. That idea was becoming more and more farfetched the more he thought about it. There was no way Alexei was going to forgive him that much.

Speaking of the loud, friendly redhead, a flash of brightest crimson caught his eye - he had not been looking ayway in particular, just around, and there it was. Renard's eyes widened and he glanced sideways, surprised to recognise the man he had just been thinking about, summoned there as if by magic. He'd been about to straighten up, when he saw the other butler visibly flinch and turn away. That hurt. That hurt in two different ways. Firstly, he was hurt that he caused the other man to act in such a manner - almost as if repulsed by what he saw - to him. The other was the realisation that he had hurt Alexei that deeply. That deeply as to shun him away from that far away, to not even walk past him. Renard's heart sank, all ideas of a possible friendship disappearing from his mind as if they had never been there.

"Alexei," Renard didn't raise his voice as he stood up, slowly, ever so slowly. It certainly was a crushing feeling, this rejection - he realised he now knew part of the pain Alexei had felt. The horrid feeling when you're not wanted. He wanted to - had to - follow, but he didn't want to have this go wrong again, to cut either of them up inside. Renard knew he could apologise all he wanted but it probably wouldn't make it better. He paused, standing, book under one hand. Should I follow, he thought edgily, and possibly cause him a bit more heartbreak? Or stay here, and regret it for the rest of my life? Tough decision. He was being cruel to Alexei either way. He was hurting both of them as it was. Renard's eyes dropped to the floor, then rose to look after the taler butler and found him walking hurriedly away. No good.

Renard made his decision, hands curled up in a determined fashion. It would hurt both of them, he knew, but he hoped it would hurt him the most - spare Alexei the pain he saw in the older butler's eyes. He started after him, cursing the other's longer legs, and found himself running, then sprinting to catch up. He didn't care that it looked undignified, it was just something he had to do.

template: by me!
lyrics: one republic
muse: undisclosed desires - muse
notes: grovelling ftw

[ALEXEI FERNAND ADRIANO]

I W A N T YOUR LOVE, I DON'T WANNA BE F R I E N D S.
caught in a B A D R O M A N C E !!

Alexei kept up his pace, even though he heard Renard say his name. There went one brick in his wall. "No no no no no! This is NOT happening!" He wasn't running, but it wasn't as if he was moving slowly. The older butler could hear the youth's footsteps, and then they broke out. Renee was sure determined. Lex finally came to a halt, closing his eyes briefly as he rolled his shoulders back, calling forth every ounce of his strength to turn around. And he did, his judging gaze still present without error.

"What do you need Renard? Come to kiss and make up? Oh, wait, even if you did, you'll probably just become disgusted by my very presence, am I correct?" His lips made a cheshire grin, that was a combination of a smirk and something unpleasant. All for the sake of keeping his wall up, he supposed. Even though a tiny tiny voice was telling him not to be mean to the younger butler. Alexei barely noticed that he hadn't used Renard's nickname, for once he would have probably felt awkward if he had. His eyes thinned as if trying to burn a hole into the other man's, the emerald color blazing. "Well? Are you going to say anything?" His voice seemed amused, which wasn't very appropriate given the circumstances, but then again at this point Alexei wasn't all there.

He crossed his arms, looking down at Renee. His expression was hurt, angry, amused...so many different things all mixed into one expression somehow. Though his sarcastic smirk remained there. However on the inside he was biting the inside of his cheeks to keep from cracking. Alexei refused to show his weakness, and he refused to act that pathetic. He was finished being, what had Renee called it? Oh, right. Ladylike.

[RENARD ARISTIDE CHEVALIER]

Maybe it was possibility that this could turn out right that kept Renard from running straight past Alexei as if he was trying to catch someone else. The chance of reconciliation. He knew he shouldn't get his hopes up, but he couldn't help it when Alexei stopped and turned round. He about to - stupidly so - smile when he spotted the facial expression glaring down at him. That hurt. The look in those eyes that bore into him, the cattish smile tha was so unfamiliar. It didn't feel like it was Alexei looking at him - the expression was so alien on the redhead that he felt like recoiling away again, more in fear than anything else. He felt only immense dislike from the other man and it was a horrid sickly feeling in the pit of his stomache. He fought the bile rising in his throat at the thought, only staring up at the man he had once considered a companion.

Renard's shoulders sank, much like his heart. He knew now - knew it oh so well - that he shouldn't have got those hopes up. Alexei had even dropped his nickname. One he had been calling him for quiet a while now. That was like an extra twist of the knife. He wasn't going to admit it, but it was something he had hoped Alexei would have kept - just that shred of recognition between them, that closeness. Renard was disappointed - in himself, not in Alexei - for thinking so, of course Alexei was going to drop it. The man probably wanted shot of him, to cut all their ties to eachother. So much for reconciliation, it seemed. There was no hope of that. As Alexei's voice continued, sickly sweet with sarcasm it seemed, Renard's expression hardened, eyes cold and mouth setting into a hard line before he did something very uncharacteristic of him.

"What am I going to say, eh, Alexei? Wouldn't you simply love to know," Renard replied icily, a sneer underlying in his voice. He'd had enough of Alexei's talk and today it was just irking him. The hurt was still very much evident in his eyes - he had no way of getting rid of that, it seemed - as he met the glare he was given. "Perhaps I am disgusted by the sight of you, hideous red hair and all," that was harsh, he realised after saying it, - far more harsh than he had intended - but his facial expression didn't change, "perhaps I came here to apologise again and explain, but it seems like you wouldn't care what I have to say anyway. After all I'm just another smudge of your windshield, right? Just as insignificant as the last person you draped your arms around." If only he'd known how offensive that simple phrase was.

Renard's voice became bitter as he continued, "If only - if only you knew! But no, you don't and I have no intention of telling you. I obviously no longer matter to you. I'm starting to wonde why I bothered following you." Renard's breathing had unconsciously increased as he fought the urge to simply collaspe into the older butler in front of him. He bit his lip until it bled, the red staining his chin as it trickled down. He didn't notice the heat in his cheeks, the flustered redness that the redhead had inflicted on him. He felt stupid now. Just give me a reason, he pleaded silently, just give me a reason, Alexei, and I'll leave you alone for good.

template: by me!
lyrics: one republic
muse: love game - lady gag
notes: dun dun duuuun D:

[ALEXEI FERNAND ADRIANO]

I W A N T YOUR LOVE, I DON'T WANNA BE F R I E N D S.
caught in a B A D R O M A N C E !!

Renard's face made him regret what he'd said at first, and his mouth twitched. A few more bricks came loose in that god forsaken wall he'd built around his heart. The younger man seemed upset at his words. That face was making him break. Alexei knew he should have just kept running, even seeing Renee's flash of pain made him almost completely break down and comfort him, telling him he didn't mean it. Apologizing profusely.

However- the other's expression quickly changed. Renee's face had went from hurt and sickly to cold and cruel. Alexei's smile fell from his face, and he suddenly felt a chill run up his spine. This wasn't Renard. All of his sinister sarcasm had vanished almost as quickly as it had appeared. Alexei swallowed the nervous lump in the back of his throat, fearing whatever it was that was going to spill out of that youth's mouth. Whatever it was, it was surely not good. But even though he wanted to run, to avoid hearing whatever came next, he couldn't find the strength to move at all. It was as if he was glued to the spot.

"Perhaps I am disgusted by the sight of you, hideous red hair and all"

This cut into Alexei like a sword. It was such a simple insult, but the way Renard had spoke those words made him want to vomit. He started trembling. It seemed that this man's words had more of an effect on him than he'd even anticipated for, and he knew this was the end of his 'wall'. It began to crumble. His mind tried to fight it, but his heart he discovered, was too weak. And then, then...well, he wasn't prepared for what came next.

"After all I'm just another smudge of your windshield, right? Just as insignificant as the last person you draped your arms around."

Alexei's mouth dropped, his eyes wide as they possibly could be, clearly visible over his red framed glasses. As Renee continued to speak, he absorbed the words, but what he'd originally said was like a sword stabbing through his heart. The rest just drove it in farther. His wall wasn't crumbling anymore; it was shattered. This man, with no knowledge of his past and saying something so simple, was tearing him to pieces. How could this seventeen year old boy have so much power in his words? He lifted a hand to his cheek and removed it looking at his glove which now had wet spots on it. He sobbed out once, quite loudly. Luckily there wasn't anyone to hear him on this side of the lake. He looked up at Renee, though his vision was blurred by tears. "I...I didn't realize t-th-that you.....felt that way. I....I apologize for wasting your time, Renee." Alexei wanted to walk away from him, right there, and never see his stupid face again. But he was shaking too hard, and crying so hard he couldn't see a damn thing. So he just stood there, feeling like a fool and wanting to just...disappear.

[RENARD ARISTIDE CHEVALIER]

There was some sick satisfaction coming from seeing the change on the older man's face, but Renard still didn't like what he was doing. Adding salt to already wide open wounds and making them red raw. Probably not a smooth move but at the beginning of his little 'speech' he had been past caring. By the end of it, he was feeling sick again; sick at himself for saying what he had, now that he had the evidence of how much damage he had caused in front of him. But he couldn't take them back, you couldn't take words back, rewind life like a video tape - the damage was already done and he could only watch as the jeering, alien figure before him melted into something he was familiar with, them past that into another zone altogether. A much more unexpected zone than the previous one - in fact, one he thought Alexei would never reach. Renard certainly had pushed it too far this time.

He could only watch, horrified, as Alexei practically wilted in front of him, tears spilling down the latter's cheeks. Renard hadn't anticipated his words would cut so deep - in fact, the worst case scenario he had thought of was that Alexei would laugh at him and flounce off, back to his mistress. Back to Claudia, of all people. These tears rolling down - well, more like streaming like a river - down Alexei's face were about as genuine as they got. You couldn't fake the pain and suffering in those wide green eyes. Renard tried to start forward to help him - slap him out of it, comfort him, anything to halt his crying - but found his feet were fixed to the spot. They were alone and the silence only made Alexei's sobbing sound louder, ringing in his ears. It took a masive effort to step forward, bringing himself closer, right up in front of the man.

"Ale-Alexei," Renard almost didn't know what to do. He was regretting heavily what he had said - regretting every last cyanide-laden word that had passed his lips. There was something he didn't know about, something in the background that had caused such a high level reaction. He placed a hand on the other butler's shoulder, throat tight, "Alexei, Le-Lexi, look at me," his voice was soft, trying to repair the balance, he let his other hand lift the redhead's chin - salty teas falling against him too now. Renard couldn't bear it - the pain in those eyes. D-Did I really do that? It was a difficult thing to comprehend. He hated the thought of it, but knew he had to do something - this was his own stupid fault. He could blame Claudia, he could blame Alexei - heck, he could blame anyone - but this was down to him.

"Lexi, Lexi, shush," Renard reached round the man's slight frame and pulled him into him, both arms wrapped around the other. He could feel him shaking under his touch, still sobbing. Renard's shirt was getting wet and his book was on the floor, but he didn't notice, too preoccupied as he was with Alexei. He hugged him tight, as if trying to stop the sobs, the shaking - trying to take away the pain he had inflicted. Again. "Shush, Lexi," he whispered into the other butler's ear, own voice shaking a little - he as trying not to crack himself, "you'll be alright, I-I didn't-I didn't mean it- in all- in all honesty," Renard ran his hand through the man's hair, finding it the same softness as it had been last time they had got this close, "I don't know what po-possessed me to say any of it, at all, Alexei, a-any of it." He hugged the man tighter, burying his head in his collar, attempting not to break down himself.

template: by me!
lyrics: one republic
muse: alejandro - lady gaga
notes: homg big ass post is big ass

[ALEXEI FERNAND ADRIANO]

I W A N T YOUR LOVE, I DON'T WANNA BE F R I E N D S.
caught in a B A D R O M A N C E !!

Alexei tried to do what was requested of him, to look at Renard, but he found it difficult through his tears. He felt warmth against him and realized that the younger butler was holding him, tightly against himself. He fought it momentarily, merely an involuntary reaction to being touched as if he really was bleeding out, but he practically slumped against the other man in defeat. Renee had won, but sometimes victory isn't so sweet. Alexei felt so stupid. He was a grown man for crying out loud! Yet here he was, sobbing like a baby into a man that was younger than him. It was a little, well more than a little, embarrassing to be in such a situation.

"I-I-I'm s-sorry, I just..." Alexei took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down enough to speak. He succeeded for a few moments, but his voice still wavered and his tears kept falling, "I was trying to...push you away because I like y-you. But you ran away a-a-and he died, and I can't like you!" He wasn't making much sense but it was truly the best he could muster in his state. "He wasn't...insignificant! And...and neither are you!" His voice kept cracking, but his arms finally wound around Renard, and he used the other's shoulder to muffle his cries. Even though this man had dealt him a great deal of damage just now, he didn't know what else to do but just accept his embrace.

Alexei wasn't sure he believed Renee when he said he didn't mean it, but he seemed genuine enough. The youth even seemed pained by his own anguish, which surprised him. Wanting to compose himself before he caused his friend to weep as well, he held his mouth shut, taking deep breaths to try and calm himself down. It wasn't easy to say the least, Alexei felt like he'd gotten the crap kicked out of him, and he felt oh-so vulnerable. But eventually, with concentration, he did stop his crying- at least to merely tears without sobbing. He wondered briefly why even though he was terrified of germs and disease, he didn't mind Renee touching him, but he realized that it didn't matter to him. He used his gloves to wipe the still falling tears from his eyes, then removed them with his teeth, letting them fall to the ground. Right then, he couldn't care less what germs got to him.

Though he kept his hands on Renard, Alexei stepped back to speak to him, his eyes bloodshot and still wet. It may have been easy to stop sobbing, but to stop tears entirely was a different story. "I'm sorry...I suppose my attitude started this all. I just felt...toyed with, so I decided I should stop caring before it's too late. That's why I ran from you to begin with...." He removed his glasses and wiped his eyes on his sleeve, looking down. He still couldn't bring himself to look at Renee without being coaxed. He still felt hurt and empty, and he didn't know what meeting eyes with the younger butler would do to him-especially since now he was actually able to see.

Though it had been years, Alejandro was still an open wound. Partially because he hadn't tried dating anyone since him, and also due to the circumstances of his unfair demise. Either way, Alexei was still shaking, unsure of how to begin to pick up the pieces of his shattered walls-or his shattered heart.

[RENARD ARISTIDE CHEVALIER]

Renard didn't loosen his grip when Alexei squirmed briefly, nor did he tighten up. He merely stroked the redhead's hair, bitterly regretting his horrid comments just a few seconds ago - even as Alexei's wound around him, searching for comfort, reminding him of the reason he had sought the other's attention to begin with. Comfort. Something that was now a rare object in soceity, something to be highly prized - especially for situations like this. Renard couldn't help treating him like a lady - Alexei just seemed so fragile, so delicate. So easy to break, as he had done with his harsh words. He didn't want to let this man down right now. He had the feeling that if he let go, if he stepped back and out of the other butler's embrace, Alexei would just collapse down onto the floor and simply fall to pieces at his feet - and Renard couldn't bear the thought of that. Not at all.

"Alexei, don't be so hard on yourself, you had your reasons," Renard soothing, fingers entwined in the taller's hair. The part of him that was still sane - if it could be called that, he thought, a bitter laugh in his head - wanted to slap Alexei round the face, to shout at him, "snap out of it, bastard! Stop not being Alexei! Show me something familiar!", but he couldn't. Not now. Not to Alexei. He let the redhead to gabble on senselessly, talking about someone else. So there had been someone - though it appeared that person had wounded him in a manner too, a different way to how Renard just had. "Calm down, 'Lexi," Renard murmured softly, feeling the sobs sudside, but the other was still shaking against him - reminding him all the more of a porcelain doll, that he had to be gentle with to avoid breaking. Or breaking further, it seemed.

He merely nodded as Alexei continued, collar and shoulder now thoroughly wet. It was somewhat uplifting to feel he wasn't just someone else in the world of Alexei Adriano. Not insignificant? Despite himself, and the situation facing him right now, he smiled a little, just lips moving - he didn't show any teeth for once. The weight of Alexei's head on his shoulder reminded him of the damage - correction, more like carnage - he'd done to another human being and it struck him deep. Stupidly deep. He shouldn't be this weak, right? He noticed Alexei wiping his eyes with his gloves then removing them with his teeth - something reminiscent to when they had first met, he noted, when he himself had executed the same move with one glove. The corners of his mouth perked up in memory. It was funny, though - this was the first time he had seen Alexei with those gloves off.

"Toyed with?," Renard's cheeks acquired a slightly more pink colouring - just lightly. "That's my fault - your attitude had nothing to do with it. You've been so open and friendlier than everyone else here. I've not exactly been here long, and you've, well, increased the enjoyment of my time here - to put it simply, just seeing you bounce along," he chuckled quietly, hoping it wasn't taken as an insult, "every day has cheered me up every time. To know someone out there's so happy." His eyes were soft, but he noted Alexei still wasn't looking at him. The other looked so distraught, so in pain, he felt worse - and his tone became softer as he continued, "you know something, Alexei? You're the best friend I have here - heh, even, in retrospect yuo're the best friend I've had in a good long time." So look at me, its eating me up, this no eye contact.

"Alexei," Renard's tone was serious. "I think that's enough apologising from you for one day - you're starting to really get to my heart." He smiled, hoping Alexei caught that. "Just, look at me, now, will you? please?", he snaked one hand up to brush against Alexei's cheekbone, "I need to know you're alright - well, that you're headed that direction. Please? For me?"

template: by me!
lyrics: one republic
muse: be prepared - the lion king
notes: latefail Dx

[ALEXEI FERNAND ADRIANO]

I W A N T YOUR LOVE, I DON'T WANNA BE F R I E N D S.
caught in a B A D R O M A N C E !!

Though Renard's war path was short lived, Alexei was surprised at the damage it had caused. He'd just been sobbing into this young man for what felt like forever. Maybe it had been minutes, maybe longer, he wasn't sure. It was true; Alexei would have probably crumpled onto the ground like someone who'd just been shot. Thank god Renard didn't let him go. The butler was thankful. Even though he had taken comfort in the person who'd caused him the pain to begin with, it was still comfort. And truth be told, he was glad it was Renee either way. Something about this man made him feel safe, even if he wouldn't admit it. And even though he'd just hurt Alexei deeply, he realized something. Perhaps what he needed wasn't a wall to protect his heart, maybe what he needed was to stop being afraid to feel. Love, sadness, pleasure, pain. The tears he had shed were proof that though he had been a doll long ago, he had regained his humanity. He was a person, who felt things he was supposed to feel. Not a living doll that wished for death in some padded room. Alexei realized that even though the memory of Alejandro still hurt, if he was able to have any type of feelings for Renee- it was better than before.

With his gloves off for what must have been the first time in three years, with the exeption of showering, he felt very free. His hands instinctively brushed up and down Renard's arms. The texture of his shirt was comfortable, soft. Then his hands travelled into his hair, which felt like silk, and he briefly wondered how the latter kept it so soft. Even when he'd been locked away, he'd kept those gloves on, and it was more than a little refreshing to be able to really feel someone else. It was true, Renee was anything but insignificant. "You are so remarkable...you really are something else." His words were genuine, this man had broke him- and not with his words. He had killed something in Alexei. The part of him that had forgotten how to really live, which truly was an amazing feat indeed.

As Renee spoke, he gradually stopped crying altogether. He even blushed when the other referred to him as "bouncy". "Truth be told, sometimes I'm pretending. I'm not a fountain of happiness twenty-four seven. There are things....I hide, and won't talk about. But I still pretend to enjoy my life. Though, I do not recall faking it around you" He smiled a little, and sheepishly looked down at the ground, kicking the grass a bit. "You're my very first 'friend' here. And I have to agree, you're probably my best friend as well. I'm quite...fond of you is the correct way of putting it."

Alexei listened to Renee's pleading, and he did, finally look up at him. His hands were now fiddling with each other in front of him. After running his hands through the other's hair, he didn't really know what to do with them. A small, friendly this time, smile played on his lips. He had caught what Renard had said, but he wasn't going to make assumptions like he had last time.

"There, I'm looking at you." He remembered his glasses, now hanging from his neck, and placed them back on. Renee lit up, much more clear than before. "Happy now?"