be still my HEART;; Renee

[ALEXEI FERNAND ADRIANO]

I T U R N ON A DIME, S P I N ME AROUND.
so you can S H I N E , shine right now !!

Alexei sat atop a student's desk in the Basic Studies room. It was getting dark, and he wasn't about to draw attention by turning a light on. Renard had asked to meet him here at five, and it was now five thirty. He figured it must have been about the last time they saw each other, the time he first met Claudia Dusseu, his Lady. Of course he felt like an idiot, acting like a jilted high school girl with a crush. It had just been a little bit sad to see Renee visibly shake off his touch. Maybe he hated germs too. Oh, but Alexei always wore gloves that couldn't have been it.

In his mind he'd went over all possibilities, but none of them seemed to add up. It wasn't like he'd punched Renard, or even really violated him. He hadn't kissed him, god Alexei was too much of a chicken to do that, he'd just touched him. He'd been trying to figure out what he'd done wrong. Perhaps the younger man was just creeped out by him, or maybe he didn't even consider Alexei a friend at all. Did he think Alexei liked him? Romantically? Who knew but the man himself. While Alexei was curious, the fact that he'd been waiting so long was getting tiresome. After all, since he was on the receiving end of this invite, he shouldn't have been the one kept waiting. "Maybe I should just leave. he probably just wanted me to make a fool out of myslef, and me staying here only proves how pathetic I really am."

The butler sighed, rising from his seat. His eyes closed for a moment, silently cursing himself for even accepting this stupid invitation. What was he thinking anyway? If Renard thought he was some old, creepy butler, he was probably right. He'd practically told Claudia that the other man was his lover! Alexei felt like an idiot. So he started toward the door, turning the knob. Well, so much for that.

[RENARD ARISTIDE CHEVALIER]

He was late. The clock had long since struck five and he was no where near where he wanted to be. To tell the truth, he had been asleep. Some idiot had woken him up at around five that morning - stupid louding chirping outside his window that had narrowly avoided decimation at the end of his riding crop, conveniently placed as it was by his bed - and he hadn't managed sleep until around four that afternoon. Only a little nap, he had told himself, only until quarter to five. No such luck, the clock face now awakened him further to remind him he had a date to make. Well, not an actual 'date', so to speak, more of a prearranged appointment. Much as he felt disheartened to call it that. He hadn't wanted to conduct such a meeting in such a fashion, but he had to - both for his own sake and Alexei's, not to mention their careers. Well, probably not that important.

Renard hadn't wanted to have it come to this, but he felt he owed the other man an apology. For reading his actions in the wrong way, for acting so... disgusted at what was just an informal gesture. It was my nerves, he had managed to convince himself, it was just my nerves. My stupid, overreacting, trainwrecked nerves. I let them take over and get in the way of a potential friendship. And now, also thanks to aforementioned nerves, he was still tired - didn't help that those nerves had kept him awake until the early hours, preventing him from sleeping. He had in the end, albeit lightly and horridly. He hadn't enjoyed it - the nightmares swirling round his skull. Renard bit his lip as he hurried down the corridor towards the basics classroom, face pale once more - the light was off. Not good. He walked a little faster, hand reaching for the doorknob.

"Sorry, I ju-," as Renard twisted and pushed, someone twisted and pulled on the other side, the resulting incident being that the door swung open away from him and he fell forward into whoever had been on the other side. That rather familiar someone - red bangs spilling everywhere, rouge rimmed glasses bouncing on the end of a slightly snub nose, green eyes sparkling behind them. All so familiar, and his heart skipped a beat in relief and simultaneous fear. Fear of what he was going to say - of what the reaction would be, to be most accurate. "Alexei," he breathed as he caught himself, one hand on the doorframe - then realised he was possibly letting Alexei carry on falling. His free arm snaked round the older butler's waist to stop his fall, and for a split second or more their eyes were level, just inches away. That carefully planned apology had already vanished from his mind.

template: by moi
text: bad romance - lady gaga
muse: weeengh - thwp
notes: emo lexi is so cute! desu~

[ALEXEI FERNAND ADRIANO]

I T U R N ON A DIME, S P I N ME AROUND.
so you can S H I N E , shine right now !!

The door came toward him much faster than he expected. In mere moments, or mabe minutes-everything seemed like it was happening so slowly, Renard tumbled toward him. Then Alexei kept falling, where the other butler seemed to have stopped himself. He closed his eyes, there was no way this wouldn't hurt, but just as he began to fall, he was suspended. Opening his eyes, he stared into Renee's, and he couldn't help it- his heart thudded against his chest. And he hadn't noticed it yet, but his arm had instictively come up around the back of the other's neck.

He could feel his cheeks, a little hot. Not enough to the point they matched his hair, thankfully. Just a light shade of pink. He couldn't help it. He hadn't been physically this close to anyone since Alejandro had passed away, and though these feelings terrified him, he couldn't deny the attraction. To be honest, since his former lover was the only male one he'd ever had, he wasn't sure he was even truly bisexual. Maybe Alejandro had just been someone he loved despite gender. Yes he hadn't been sure. Until now. Renard was his friend, and it was true that he wasn't sure if he was just getting attached or not, but he wanted to explore it. However, there was no way in hell he was going to just ASK! He didn't even know if Renee swung that way. Even if he did, Alexei was terrfied of losing anyone. So he kept every friend he had at arms length away, just so he wouldn't have to become a lifeless doll anytime he lost someone, be it by death or otherwise.

He lifted himself up, releasing Renard. Besides, in Alexei's mind the younger man was still repulsed by him. "Er, sorry. I'm a little clumsy...sometimes." His voice was hushed, mostly because he was still a tad embarrassed by what had just happened. He made a mental note to stop being attracted to unattainable people, especially ones who are younger than him. "So...why are you so late? I don't mind so much, it's just...getting dark." And it was, Alexei noticed that the sun seemed to be rapidly setting, and then the two would be left all alone in the dark. So much for keeping his mind out of the gutter.

[RENARD ARISTIDE CHEVALIER]

"No, no, it's not your fault in the least," Renard waited until they were suitably vertical once more before talking, though he couldn't bring himself to make eye contact with the elder butler. Somehow he couldn't force his eyes off the floor. "You didn't do anything - it was my fault, I should have heard the doorknob twist and waited." Lame excuse as it sounded, it could well be true. He knew Alexei wouldn't believe it - but he was past the point of caring about excuses at present. Finally, somehow, he dragged his eyes up to look into Alexei's, noting the pink flush across the man's cheeks, in contract to the sickly pallid complexion he himself wore. He shifted nervously as Alexei mentioned his lateness - he wasn't uncomfortable as if the redhead was a teacher, more so because he had another lame excuse to make up for it - one he didn't want to use.

"Sorry about that, Alexei," Renard put his hands in his pockets, the feeling of the redhaired man's hand around the back of his neck still lingering somewhat. "I overslept - what I mean is I took a nap and I slept too long, I didn't get enough last night, not in the least...", he trailed off, a tad miserably. Much as it was true, he felt that now he was saying too much - trying to embellish his story to make it sound more... believeable? Something like that. He sighed a little, dejectedly - more annoyed at himself for his own stupidity than anything else. Surely Alexei must hate him now - for not talking to him since the episode with Claudia - he still shuddered at the thought - and now being late, as if he didn't care. That was untrue, in fact. But Renard just wasn't sure in what way yet - whether as a friend or what?

"Speaking of which, I suppose I should stop beating about the bush," a nervous giggle escaped him, before he continued in the same humbled tone, "but what I really wanted to call you here for was to apologise." Renard let the word hang in the air for a second or two, before beating back the apprehension and continuing softly, "I didn't miss that last look you cast me the other day, and I know I caused it. I-I'm sorry, Alexei," Renard looked straight into the other man's eyes, trying to be as sincere as possible, "I didn't mean to hurt you - it looked like my reaction wounded you pretty deeply. Honestly, there was stuff going on... behind the scenes, sort of, that you couldn't have possibly noticed. I shouldn't have responded like that - not at all."

template: by moi
text: bad romance - lady gaga
muse: mind in the gutter - chris crocker
notes: ironic listening materal xD

[ALEXEI FERNAND ADRIANO]

I T U R N ON A DIME, S P I N ME AROUND.
so you can S H I N E , shine right now !!

"Heard the...Renee, that's impossible!" Alexei laughed, semi-loudly, and covered his mouth. if a light didn't draw attention to the empty classroom, his big mouth sure would. Then he laughed again, nervously, apologetically. He noticed that Renard wouldn't look at him, at least not for awhile, and when he did Alexei's heart thumped again. He didn't know why it kept doing that, but it really wasn't helping his blush at all. He wished he could just stop from doing that, but controlling one's heart was proving to be much more difficult than controlling his mind. Wait, no, he was bad at doing that too.

Oh, so he'd slept in! That made sense, and was perfectly understandable. "Oh, alright, I get it." Alexei nodded once, not really meaning to sound awkward, but succeeded in doing so regardless. He himself felt comfortable here with Renard, he just didn't know what to say. He just kept trying to sort out exactly how he felt about this young man, and if he should express it or not. Seeing as how he was weird to begin with, perhaps he could do or say something casually to gauge Renee's reaction. if it was bad, he'd drop it. If not...then he didn't know. "It's no big deal, I just...thought you were trying to...I dunno. I just felt stupid because I didn't think you were coming."

Then the apology. Alexei blinked at him, he didn't expect that, especially not for Renard to ramble on like he did. Besides, he forgave the other butler from the moment he even said he wanted to apologize. He truly appreciated the younger man's words, and he really was listening, but his head was still spinning, so he closed the distance between the two. "Would you just shut up?" Alexei's eyes closed, and before he could even think about stopping himself, his lips met Renee's, be it for better or worse.

[RENARD ARISTIDE CHEVALIER]

He wasn't sure how Alexei would take it. He seemed pretty serene, despite the blush colouring his cheeks like a lady's makeup. He did, indeed, seem very feminine, with his long hair and little glasses balanced on the end of his nose. Renard hoped he would take it smoothly, gently, be alright with it, then perhaps he'd offer another couple of riding lessons in consolation - a chance for both of them to relax a little. Maybe they would steer clear of eachother for a bit, just eachother space to breath before they tried being friends again. All these simplistic ideas ran through Renard's head with ease - they all seemed so... plausible. So just in reach, so fair, so... ready to hand. Normal, something ordinary for a change - something so far from the crazyness that could happen here at the academy. However, judging by Alexei's next move, crazyness was what he was in for.

"Le-?," Renard managed to begin, before Alexei leant forward and he felt, rather than saw, the older man's lips meet his. Expect the unexpected, they always say - and this certainly was... unexpected. Renard's eyes were wide for a second or two, before they closed almost longingly - letting Alexei's mouth lead the way. He didn't have a clue what he was doing, why he was doing it - why he was even letting Alexei kiss him. He couldn't lie to himself, though - there was a certain enjoyment to it. That had a joint feeling for him - one of slight disgust in himself from the part of him that was still straight, and into girls, and one of steady enjoyment from the side of him that had a deeprooted fondness of men. He disliked the former opinion for once - the latter felt more... natural. Renard's eyes opened a crack and he pulled away gently.

"Alexei...," Renard noticed how close they were to eachother, somehow moving smoothly into more of a two-sided embrace than just the redhead holding onto him. He was mere inches away from the older butler, from here he could feel the warmth of Alexei's breath. It felt... odd being so close to someone else like this. He wasn't sure it was an experience he had felt before. Renard pursed his lips and resisted the temptation just to bury his head in the older - and actually notably taller - butler. The idea was appealing and he very nearly - very nearly did. "Alexei," Renard looked back at him, "you certainly know how to surprise people," a small smile played on his lips as he leant up and pressed a light kiss - ever so tentative - against the man's lips before succumbing to his previous urge and simply curling against him.

template: by moi
text: bad romance - lady gaga
muse: mind in the gutter - chris crocker
notes: crap ending's crap

[ALEXEI FERNAND ADRIANO]

I T U R N ON A DIME, S P I N ME AROUND.
so you can S H I N E , shine right now !!

As he kissed Renard, many thoughts raced through his head. Is he angry? Does this change everything? What is he thinking? Of course he wasn't going to voice these thoughts, his mouth was a little preoccupied. Besides he wasn't sure the other would tell him even if he could ask. His hands, as always covered by black gloves, moved into the younger butler's hair, teeth slightly nipping at his bottom lip. This felt good, very good. He felt like all of his walls had come down in a split second, and for the first time in what felt like forever, Alejandro wasn't in the back of his mind.

When Renee pulled away, Alexei's face sort of followed his for a moment, as if he hadn't really wanted to stop. Then he straightened, embarrassed. He was about to start apologizing profusely, until he felt that his embrace was returned. This made his light blush return, though lucky for him it was too dark to really see. And when Renard kissed him again, however short it might have been, he felt like he could just collapse. He hadn't expected it at all. His arms wrapped around the shorter butler, and he chuckled a bit.

"I thought...you were going to hit me." He laughed again. This embrace felt good, but of course part of him was fearful. Alexei couldn't hide this, as he was trembling lightly, both out of fear and relief. He hoped that Renard couldn't tell. His story wasn't the easiest to tell. Right then though he didn't care that he was afraid, he just wanted to hang onto Renee for as long as he let him. It was that simple, and Alexei wanted it to remain so for as long as possible.

[RENARD ARISTIDE CHEVALIER]

Renard closed his eyes again, still smiling slightly. He wasn't quite sure he was actually even here, if he was really pressed up against Alexei - but that sort of warmth and comfort was something that couldn't come wth dreams, no matter how hard you tried when asleep. Still, he was finding his subconscious hard to convince that this was all real. It was a funny thing to think that had it not been for his silly moves with Claudia in the gardens the toher day, he wouldn't be standing here now, leaning against a man he hadn't known very long - what was it now, a little over a week maybe? Renard hadn't really bothered counting. He estimated about that long, but it seemed a lot longer. He had really only talked to the man, what, three or four times? Yet he seemed so familiar, so friendly - someone he could place his trust in and know it wouldn't get crushed.

"Remind me why I would do that?," voice still quite soft, Renard blinked and tilted his head to look at the redhair, one slim blonde eyebrow raised. "Much I do engage in the more offensive sports, I'm not the sort of person who goes hitting others for such trivial 'offenses'." Air quotations were made with one hand, before it slipped around Alexei's waist, and Renard turned his head towards Alexei, burying it in the elder man's shirt, inhaling gently. It was surprising how individual someone could smell up close - not a bad smell, a pleasant aroma that reminded him of cherry blossom. He had little idea why, though he doubted that Alexei wore perfume, much less that scent. Come to think of it, he mused silently, I wouldn't put it past him. He smiled into the butler in question, feeling the slight shaking from him and holding a little tighter, as if in reassurence.

"Anyway, I couldn't hit you, of all people," his voice was muffled by Alexei's collar, but he made no effort to move so he could be heard better. He glanced sideways - at some point one of them had shut the door, or it had shut behind him automatically when he'd stepped inside. "Not just because you're so, well, ladylike," he chuckled softly, not meaning anything horrible by what he was saying, "you're my friend," - or more, if today was anything to use as evidence, and the feelings that had been eating him up all of last night - ",I couldn't hit a friend. Especially a fellow butler," Renard exhaled softly, eyes still closed. Mixed feelings all round, it seemed, and it was something he just couldn't get his head around.

template: by moi
text: bad romance - lady gaga
muse: ring ding dong - shinee
notes: ....o3o

[ALEXEI FERNAND ADRIANO]

I T U R N ON A DIME, S P I N ME AROUND.
so you can S H I N E , shine right now !!

The days he'd known Renard had come and went, and to be honest, he hadn't been keeping track. Leave it to Alexei not to do things like that. He wrote more about feelings and such, in his crimson diary, rather than actions and meetings. He remembered writing of the stables, but mostly of how amazing Renee was. And he knew for certain he'd be writing about this meeting as well. Or perhaps not, seeing as how he wasn't sure how he felt right then. It was hard to sort out the hesitation and fear from the heat and comfort. It was difficult for him to stop himself from shaking, but he had calmed a little. Alejandro flashed before his eyes, and he thought of the devotion they had, the love. Until all of that became a distant memory after he died. The last thing he wanted was to get attached again, only to have this man torn from him in some way or another.

Renard spoke, and then embraced him, and Alexei's eyes drifted shut as he took a deep breath. "Well...what I did was sort of, ehm, forward to say the least. It might have been quite the unwise move. Especially if certain wants or feelings weren't returned." He swallowed, glancing at the other briefly before his eyelids shut again. Alexei stepped forward, pressing Renee against the door. He leaned down and pressed a light kiss to his neck before resting his head on the younger butler's shoulder. This whole situation was so comfortable to him, but for a moment at least he wanted to be weak. It wasn't often that he could do this, just relax and let his stress disappear.

"Well, I'll keep that in mind next time I choose to be so...up front. I'll remember that you won't hit me." He smiled, his grin spread across his lips so wide that Renee could probably see it in the dark. "Perhaps, since I'm such a lady, that I should produce counterfiet letters so that I can be your mistress?" He laughed, more like snickered, into Renard's shirt. This was lovely, really. Being able to be relaxed at last with someone new. Alexei didn't want that feeling to ever go away.

[RENARD ARISTIDE CHEVALIER]

"Yeah, yeah, you need to be careful," Renard chuckled softly, inhaling into Alexei's collar. His smiles bore a heartfelt smile, settling into his position as he felt the door meet his back, the cold wood able to felt even through the flimsy fabric of his shirt. Something nagged at the back of his mind, but he pushed it away - this moment was a little too special to be disturbed. A glance at Alexei as the older butler rested his head against him, lips brushing against his neck - they were warm against his cool skin - and couldn't resist a shiver to creep down his spine. He could almost feel the tension leave Alexei in front of him, the man relazing beneath his hands, and he breathed a sigh of relief - or maybe happiness, he couldn't quite tell - into Alexei's neck, a strand of red hair brushing against his nose. It was soft, he simply nosed it aside, pressing against the older man's chest.

"Ha ha, indeed, use that obviously intelligent head to good use," Renard reached a hand up to the redhaired butler's hair and ran it down gently down, fingers almost surprised at the luxurious texture to it. It was beautiful - not just in colour but on the inside too, so soft to the touch. "My mistress indeed....," the nagging was back as he trailed off, and Renard's eyes widened. He could already feel himself freezing up like a rabbit in headlights. Ladies, ladies, ladies. Alexei wasn't a lady, he was a butler. A fellow butler. Something clicked horribly and loudly in Renard's head and he suddenly found himself wondering what he was doing here - in such a position of submission to another man. It took him a second to flatten himself against the door, simultaneously pushing Alexei away from him with both hands - not as harshly as he could have done, but fast enough.

"Alexei-," Renard's voice had undergone a whole transformation in just a few short seconds, where there was once an air of comfort and comfortableness, now it was full of fear and nausea. Renard was glad there were no mirrors in the room, he was sure his face had shot from his normal colour to bright red to some sickly green colour that it was now. "I-I'm so-I-," he gave Alexei a desperate look, trying to convey the words that were failing to leave his mouth. "I-I-I ca-can't explai-," his hand gripped th handle, the memory of Claudia nearly having him in a similar position was still fresh in his mind and the unfamiliarity - he realised, much as it felt natural, there was the alien quality to it, not something he had done, or ever dreamed of doing, before - of the situation came crashing down on him. He cast Alexei one last pleading look, praying he'd understand, comprehend.

"I-It's n-n-not-you-your fault," Renard wrenched the handle round and pulled the door open, visibly shaking. He could feel the bile rising in his throat and he slid through the narrow gap, cold sweat plastering his fringe to his forehead, "f-f-fault, Al-Alexei!," face going slowly greener, Renard turned and dashed along the corridor, ignoring his crumpled shirt, ignoring his skewed tie, ignoring his rather unpresentable appearence, just wanting to get away before he caused any more of a scene.

template: by moi
text: bad romance - lady gaga
muse: bad romance - lady gaga
notes: rejection Dx